My Knight and Shiney Dud

I lay here once again tear rolling down my cheek.For once again I have failed to get his attention. It's sad that he has such a hold on my soul.And yet still gets a thrill
when he hurts me.
Why must he hurt me so much?
Does he like the fact I hurt when he rejects me like this.Does he have any idea? What these does to me or the damage it has done to me over the years.Why must I look else where for my needs.Why is he keeping my soul if he is not to feed it.He is suppose to love and cherish me.What is wrong....with me.I change for him...I have gone through rings of bullshit and mental agony for him all these years.I've been killing myself everyday to lose weight.When in reality he should love me no matter what I look like.Why must I keep trying.
Is that what he wants....for me to just give up.
I'm tired of searching...and getting hurt....
I don't deserve this....Maybe once I just give up...He can finally face me and tell me the truth for once...That he doesn't love me and doesn't want to be with me.For there is no way in hell anyone can love and cherish and lay right next to someone and not want to show they love them...It's physically and mentally impossible.